


someday, my pain will mark you.

by zohh



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-21 01:49:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2450219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zohh/pseuds/zohh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's wearing a high-waisted skirt with a floral print, paired with a leather jacket. In a way that is completely Paige McCullers, it works.  Post-100th episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	someday, my pain will mark you.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written right after the 100th episode, and is only canon up until then.

Emily walks into school alone, ignoring the everyday stares from her classmates. She glances around briefly for any sign of her friends, and pauses in her walk only when her phone buzzes. She stops at a wall corner and opens the text message; it's from Alison, asking her to meetup. Emily sighs, unsure of how she wants to respond, and looks up from her phone.

She spots Paige at her locker and pockets her phone, making quick strides over to the other girl.

"Hey-"

Paige abruptly closes the locker door and her eyes are wide. "Sorry," she mutters.

"Are you okay?" Emily furrows her eyebrows and tilts her head in the slightest way.

Paige opens her mouth and leans forward, but all the comes out is, "I have to go." She scrambles for her bag and turns away faster than Emily can call out, "Paige!"

Emily stands at Paige's locker for a moment with a frown before walking to her own locker. She pulls out her phone again and tells Ali that she'll meet up with her for lunch.

*

At lunch, Emily has an untouched sandwich sitting on a tray in front of her. She stares at the screen of her phone in silence, her fingers unmoving. Hanna and Aria are already sitting at the table with her, exchanging glances between looking at Emily. It's only seconds before Ali and Spencer sit down.

"Hey, Em."

Emily doesn't look up and Alison frowns, untwisting the cap to her water bottle.

"She's been like that for at least five minutes," Hanna says, rolling her eyes.

"Emily!" Spencer waves a hand in front of her face and Emily drops her phone.

"What?" She looks around, fumbling for her phone in her lap. Her friends are all looking at her; Alison still has a slight frown. "Sorry," Emily mumbles, setting her phone down on the table.

"What's wrong?" Ali places a hand on Emily's shoulder and leans in. Emily shivers.

"Nothing," Emily says, unconsciously shrugging. She forces a smile onto her face and continues with, "I'm just a little distracted today." Ali removes her hand.

"Do you want to...talk about it?" Aria asks slowly, looking between Alison and Emily.

"I'm fine, really." Emily smiles again. "Don't worry about it." She pretends to be interested in the sandwich on her tray while her friends exchange a set of apprehensive looks. On her lap, her phone screen fades to black, and she ignores the uncomfortable warmth spreading throughout her torso every time she chews. Aria asks a question about Toby and Emily looks up at Spencer for the response, but her eyes focus on the flash of a familiar face walking across the courtyard into the building.

Emily stands up abruptly, causing Spencer to stop speaking mid-sentence.

"Uh, Em?" Spencer cocks her head.

"Sorry! I just, um, I..have to go do something. Talk to someone. About something." She forces that same smile again on her face and straps her bag on her back and picks up her tray. Ali places her hand on her arm and Emily looks directly at her, saying, "I'll talk to you later." Ali, Spencer, and Aria stare at her for a moment. Hanna rolls her eyes again.

*

"Paige!"

She catches up with her in front of the gym, adjusting the straps of her bag.

"Hi." Paige is quick and avoids Emily's face.

"I didn't get a chance to talk to you this morning," Emily says, evening her breaths. She closes her mouth and breathes through her nose, looking closely at the other girl. Paige is wearing a high-waisted skirt with a floral print, paired with a leather jacket. In a way that is completely Paige McCullers, it works. A smirk spreads onto Emily's face. "You totally hate that skirt."

Paige splutters. "What?"

Emily's smirk turns into a grin and she says, "That skirt! You totally hate it!"

"No I don't?" Paige crosses her arms as a red tinge makes it way to her face.

"Paige, c'mon. I was with you when your mom got that for you! You said you would never be caught dead wearing that!" Other students walk past them noisily.

Paige uncrosses her arms and brings them forward with a shrug. "I found a new liking for it."

"Right...okay." Emily nods. Paige nods too and doesn't say anything. It takes about thirty seconds before Emily says, "So...I might see you at practice?"

"You're coming?" Paige asks quickly.

"I mean, maybe? I've been helping Sydney a lot, so I thought I might come again today."

"Oh. Um, yeah. Okay."

"That's alright with you?" Emily asks, pulling at her bottom lip with her teeth.

"Sure, yeah. It's good that you're helping her," Paige says. "She really has been improving," she adds, giving a small smile.

"Good," Emily smiles too. "Well, I guess I'll see you later, then."

"Right." Paige watches Emily walk away and stands still in her spot. She pulls at the straps of her own backpack and looks uncomfortable.

*

Emily walks to her locker at the end of the day, only to find Hanna already standing there. She gives her friend a confused look and says, "Everything okay?"

Hanna doesn't hesitate. "What's going on with you and Ali?"

Emily drops her bag on the floor. "What?"

"I dunno, you two just seem very...close lately. And you were holding hands the other night when we were watching the news." Hanna crosses her arms. "Are you two like..." Hanna's voice trails off and she motions with her head.

It takes Emily a moment before she says, "No."

"Em, c'mon," Hanna urges. "We all know about how you felt about Ali before. It's okay if you...still feel that way."

Emily swallows hard. She steadies herself and opens up her locker. "I don't know," she says quietly.

Hanna chews on the inside of her cheek and then slowly says, "Did you guys do anything?"

"Can we not do this now, Han?"

Hanna puts her hands up in mock surrender. "Okay, okay. We don't have to talk about this now." She watches as Emily puts books away and then closes the locker door. She sighs, and then says, "Just don't let Ali tell you anything but the truth, okay?"

Emily looks down at her feet before letting her eyes trail up to her friend. Hanna has a look of genuine concern on her face. "Thanks, Hanna." She pulls her bag on and then adds, "I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay," Hanna nods, smiling.

*

Emily finds herself standing awkwardly by the door to the girls' locker room, waiting the actual reason for why she's there to show up. A few of the team members acknowledge her with friendly greetings and smiles, while others give looks of judgements and whisper under their breaths. Emily sighs. Finally, a hand reaches her elbow and she hears the voice of Sydney saying, "Oh, I'm so glad you're here!"

"Hey," Emily smiles and follows Sydney to her locker.

"Coach said yesterday that she wants to put me in the 200 IM for the meet this week, but with my time she'll probably kick me off the team," Sydney laments, pulling out her towel and swim cap from her locker. "We're doing time trials today."

"Alright, yeah, I'll see what you've got and then try and help from there."

Sydney grins. "Awesome, thanks."

"No problem," Emily responds. She looks around the locker room for a moment and then asks, "Where's Paige?"

"Oh, I'm not really sure. Maybe she's late?"

Emily shakes her head. "Paige would never be late for swim practice."

Sydney shrugs her shoulders. "She could be with Coach."

Emily looks around again while Sydney makes her way to change into her bathing suit. She walks slowly around the lockers and benches until she reaches Coach Fulton's office, and stands still near the cracked open door.

She hears Coach Fulton sigh and say, "Oh Paige, you and the bike. Are you sure you'll be okay for practice tomorrow? And the meet?"

"Oh, yeah," Paige says. "I, ah, just wanna' make sure everything is healed okay before I dunk into chlorine."

Coach Fulton gives a chuckle. "Yes, that is probably the safer option. I don't want you to get any more hurt." The office door opens and then Coach Fulton says to Paige, "Well, we're doing time trials today, so can I have you stay and help with the stop watches?"

Paige nods. "Yeah, of course."

The coach gives a smile and then walks off to the front of the locker room. Paige stays in her spot until she notices Emily is there too; she tries to say something but shuts her mouth.

"Are you not swimming?" Emily asks, concern washing over her face.

"Were you listing?"

"I was only looking for you," Emily says quickly. "I just heard coach asking you to stay and help keep time."

"Oh," Paige says quietly. "Yeah, um, I just...you know, fell off my bike. Got a few scrapes and bruises, is all." She indicates the skirt that Emily called out early and tries to laugh. "Still got bandages on."

"Are you sure? Are you okay?" The concern in Emily's voice increases and Paige looks away.

"Yeah, a few scrapes, that's all." Paige looks back at Emily and says, "I'm fine, Em. Really. You don't need to be concerned about me."

Emily purses her lips and doesn't say anything. Coach Fulton shouts that everyone has three minutes to be in the pool or else they have to do sprints. Paige walks away, pulling at the hem of her skirt.

The rest of the team makes their way out to the pool but Sydney comes up to Emily, clad in her bathing suit and cap. "Hey, are you staying?"

"Uhm, you know what, I don't think I actually can," Emily says. "I'm really sorry, but I have this lab report due tomorrow that I really need to work on. But Paige can probably help you."

*

"Hanna, be careful!" Emily scolds. "You're getting orange dust all over my bed."

"Sorry," Hanna says, wiping and smoothing out the top quilt. She licks her lips and creases over the top of the bag of puffed cheese balls, placing it on the side table.

"I don't think I'll ever understand how you can eat those," Emily says, shaking her head.

"Cheese balls are a way of life," Hanna says simply. Emily laughs at her and then joins her on the bed. A moment of silence washes over them before Hanna says, "Are you okay, Em?"

Emily sighs and leans against the bed frame. "I don't know. I mean, this is what we wanted, right? For Ali to come back? But it seems like ever since we found out she was alive...things have gotten worse."

"That's what happens with Ali, though. She hooks us like fish and then leaves us in the tide."

Emily hesitates. She looks down at her hands chooses the words she wants to say. Finally, she says, "She told me my feelings weren't one-sided."

Hanna looks at her, almost incredulously. "Who? Ali?"

Emily nods and quietly says, "Yeah. She apologized for making me think that they were."

"What did you say back?" Hanna leans in closer, her own voice careful and steady.

"I didn't really say anything. Not then, at least. I had to leave, and we didn't talk about until later that night."

"To hang out with Paige, right? Weren't you with her at the movie thing?"

Emily doesn't say anything but Hanna knows the answer. Hanna grabs the bag of cheese balls from the side table, sticking her whole hand in and pulling at a handful. She has them in her mouth when Emily says, "I kissed her."

Hanna coughs loudly, covering her mouth to prevent soggy cheese powder from flying everywhere. "You what?"

"I don't know, Hanna! I don't know what I was thinking!" Emily stands up from her bed, folding her arms over her torso. "She told me that she had had feelings for me, and all these things about missing me, and she convinced me to spend the night, and I just. I don't know."

"You loved her," Hanna says, putting the bag back on the table.

"Yeah, I did."

"You did? Or you still do?"

Emily takes a deep breath. "I...I never really got closure with Ali. She disappeared so abruptly and, you know, she was gone for so long. Things were just...I don't even know, between us. She would pick me up and make me feel like I was on top of the world, but then she would turn around and throw me back down." She catches her breath and then continues, "I was angry when she disappeared, and when she didn't come back, I moved on. I dated Ben-"

"Does Ben even count?" Hanna interrupts. Emily rolls her eyes. "What?" Hanna shrugs her shoulders. "You're gay. I'm just sayin'..."

"The point is," Emily says, "She was gone for two years and I let myself love other people."

They spend a few, elongated seconds in silence until Hanna blurts our, "Paige still cares about you."

An uncomfortable, warm feeling spreads through Emily's torso. She knows Paige still cares about her. It's obvious, almost painfully obvious. But Emily knows that she still cares about Paige, too, and that is what's making this so hard. Despite telling Paige that she could never trust her again, Emily finds herself always going back to the girl, and it is that-that inability to stop being drawn to Paige no matter the situation-it is that which makes it possible for Emily to still care.

"Sorry," Hanna mutters quickly after seeing the look on Emily's face.

Emily shakes her head. "No, it's fine. Paige is...Paige. She's always gonna' care." Emily pauses for a moment and then says, "I probably don't deserve it."

"Em, don't say that. You had every right to be mad at her."

Emily doesn't say anything back and sighs instead. Hanna looks over at the bag of cheese puffs.

"Remember what Ali used to call Paige?" Hanna asks slowly.

The uncomfortable warmth in Emily's torso cools down and she sinks back into her bed. The only thing she says is, "I think I've made a mistake."

Hanna reaches over, putting her hand on top of Emily's. "It's okay," she says.

*

Emily is finishing up her chemistry homework when her phone buzzes. She panics for a split second before glancing over at the screen and seeing that it's from Alison. She lets the screen fade to black and goes back to writing a conclusion for her data. Her confusion from earlier, when she was talking to Hanna, had manifested itself into a form of both sadness and anger that she had forgotten she could posses.

Her phone buzzes again, and again, it's from Alison. She continues to ignore it. Twice more it goes off, blaring Alison's name, and twice more, she pretends her phone isn't there.

It isn't until her phone goes off for a fifth time, this time with someone else' name, that Emily looks down at her screen.

A new text from Aria bares the message: Are you ok? Ali says you aren't answering her.

Emily chews on the inside of her cheek for a moment and then responds with: Just doing hw.

Less than a minute passes by before Aria's next text: She says she really needs to talk to you rn.

Emily sucks in air through her nose and holds it in. She replies: I'll call her later.

She had believed Ali so many times, and so many times, that has made things worse for her. If Ali can still lie to her, then Emily can still take back her trust. After two years, she has a right to do that.

Aria doesn't message back anything else and Emily breathes again, locking her phone screen and closing her chemistry book.

*

The sadness and anger that Emily felt the night before turns itself into determination (with perhaps just a little residual sadness and anger left), and she manages to get to the school by sunrise and head into the girls' locker room during the morning practice.

She waits on a locker room bench for nearly twenty minutes before the doors to the pool open, and a clump of chlorine drenched girls walk in. She stands up, narrowing her eyes, until she realizes that Paige isn't there. She sits back down on the bench and pulls out her phone, tapping her forefinger against the side in thought.

She doesn't type anything. The swimmers around her start rinsing off and getting dressed, gathering their things for class. Emily puts her phone back into her bag and looks around. Her eyes stop when the pool doors open again and she stands up.

"Paige."

Paige slows down, a look of defeat on her face.

"Emily. What are you doing here? Sydney comes to the afternoon practices."

"I'm not here to see her," Emily says quickly. "I wanted to talk to you, and I know you sometimes come to both. Practices."

Paige sits down on the bench, her lower half wrapped in a towel and her hair in a wet, stringy ponytail. "Okay," she says.

Emily opens her mouth but doesn't say anything. She looks from Paige's face, down to the bathing suit clinging to her body, and finally to the towel wrapped around her legs. Hesitantly, she reaches for the top of the towel, but Paige stops her before her hand can touch it.

"What are you doing?"

"I think you know," Emily says quietly. "I think I know."

Paige's lips thin, and she tightens her grip on the towel. "You have no right," Paige says, looking hard at Emily. "I know I messed things up, okay? I shouldn't have done what I did and I messed up. I know that. But you got what you wanted, right? She's safe and she's back. She's back and you get to be with her again."

Emily tries to reach for Paige again, but the other girl stands up.

"No, Emily. I just, I need you to stop so I can stop, okay? I need you to stop."

"This isn't fair," Emily whispers, standing up too.

"You're right," Paige says, thinning her lips again. "This really isn't fair."

Emily puts the tips of her fingers on Paige's hips and Paige shuts her eyes, trembling.

"This isn't fair. This isn't fair," she whispers, and Emily inches closer.

"You have every right to be upset with me, but Paige, please..."

"I'm not brave," Paige breathes out, opening her eyes. "The other day, you said I was. But I'm not."

The locker room is now empty, except for the two of them. Emily places her hand on Paige's cheek, her thump right under her eye. "It's okay," she says. "It's okay."

Paige blinks, taking Emily's hand off of her face but keeping it in her own by their sides. "I'm trying, Em. I really am. But you, you just..."

"I'm not with her," Emily says. "I've made some bad choices myself, but they were my own choices. There was no A or Mona or whoever telling me what to do."

Paige swallows and removes her hand from Emily's grasp.

"I was really, really mad at you, especially that night when you told me yourself what you had done. And I know what I said." Emily pushes a wave of hair behind her ear. "But I'm still here."

Paige dips her head down. She lets Emily step closer again and wraps her into a hug. The towel drops and the bandages on the top of her thigh is gone. They stay like that until the bell rings.


End file.
